Naraku, Kouga, and the Gerbil
by Aki-chan3
Summary: OOC abounds in this crazy adventure in mix 'n match storytelling! A one-shot featuring a motherly Naraku, a rather dense Kouga, and Cuddles the gerbil! (Yes, it's supposed to be thoroughly absurd) Lol ^.^


****

Naraku, Kouga, and the Gerbil

By Aki-chan

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters presented herein, and claim no rights to them. No gerbils were harmed in the making of this fic.

AN: I'm sort of stuck with my Musical Chairs fic, so I came up with an idea to get the creative juices flowing again. I wrote the names of a bunch of characters on little cards and mixed them up. Then I wrote a bunch of potentially funny objects (i.e. gerbils) down on another set of cards and mixed those up. I drew two character names and an object, then sat down to write a random one-shot about them. This is the result. Heh-heh…^.^;

It was one fine, sunny day in the Sengoku Jidai. A light breeze was swaying the leaves on the trees, flowers were blooming, and birds were singing. Cuddles the Gerbil rolled happily through a little clearing in his pink plastic gerbil ball. Occasionally he would pause and much the tender shoots of grass that stuck through his air holes.

Kagome had brought him through the well with her just that morning, eager to show her new pet to her friends. Cuddles had not liked being stuck in their small, dirt-floored campsite, however, and had rolled away to greener pastures at the first opportunity.

"Squeak squeak!" he squeaked happily to himself. "Squeakity-squeak!" He was having a grand old time.

Suddenly, a dark shadow fell over Cuddles. He froze, shivering in fear.

"Ku ku ku. What have we here?" cackled a voice.

"S-squeak?" Cuddles quavered, timidly peering up at the shape that hovered over him. What he saw was petrifying.

"Squeeeee!" he squealed in panic, and started to roll away as fast as his little legs could carry him. Which wasn't far, unfortunately, as his escape attempt was quickly thwarted by the presence of a large tree directly in his path.

WHACK! Went the gerbil ball as it bounced off the tree trunk. Cuddles was momentarily stunned.

Naraku scooped up the plastic ball and held it in one hand, inspecting it. He touched it carefully, marveling over the smooth, translucent surface. He sniffed at it and his eyes widened marginally.

'It smells like that cursed miko that travels with Inuyasha!' he thought in surprise. His brows drew together as he squinted at the contents, which were just beginning to stir.

"Why, it's a little fuzzy! Hello, little fuzzy!" Naraku cooed. "Do you want to play with me and be _my_ little fuzzy?"

Cuddles blinked and looked dazedly about. When he realized that he was caught, he froze. And then he did what any trapped, terrified gerbil would do. He peed.

"Eeeew!" Naraku squealed, hastily dropping the ball. He fell to his knees and began frantically wiping his hands on the grass.

Cuddles tried to roll away, but Naraku extended an arm and stopped him.

"That wasn't nice, little fuzzy. You're my friend, and friends don't go wee-wee on each other," he admonished. "Now, let's just get you out of there so I can pet you properly." And with that, Naraku set about attempting to find the opening in the gerbil ball.

Just as Naraku was beginning to get frustrated, a strong wind blew up. The tree branches swayed furiously and Naraku shrieked.

"Nooo! My pretty hair will be all _messy_!" he wailed. He raised his hands to protect his head, letting go of the gerbil ball. Cuddles squeaked frantically as a gust caught him. He tumbled off Naraku's lap and across the clearing, finally coming to rest firmly wedged under some brambles.

With a final swirl of wind and dust, Kouga entered the clearing.

"Oi! I thought I smelled your rotten stink, Naraku!" Kouga said, glaring. Then he did a double take. "Oi! Where are you going?!"

Naraku ignored him and continued to scramble on all fours after Cuddles. "Come back, fuzzy!" he cried.

Kouga frowned. He didn't like being ignored. He leapt high into the air and landed in front of Naraku, blocking his path. Naraku glared up at him dangerously.

"Out of my way, wolf." He started to crawl around Kouga, calling out, "Where did you go, little fuzzy? I'll protect you from the nasty wolfy! Come on out!"

Kouga's forehead wrinkled in confusion. 'Am I missing something?' he wondered.

"Hey, Tentacle-butt! What're you lookin' for?" he demanded.

"My fuzzy. Now shoo." Naraku waved him away distractedly.

Kouga sniffed the air, then crouched down to peer under some bushes. A glimpse of unnatural pink caught his eye. Naraku spotted it at the same time and lunged forward.

"Yeowch!" he yelped as the brambles caught and tore his delicate skin. He yanked his hands back and started to nurse them.

Kouga gave him a strange look before reaching under the bush to withdraw the pink, squeaking globe.

"What the - hn?!" Kouga gaped at the globe. "This thing smells like my woman!"

Naraku stopped sucking on his injured fingers just long enough to grin evilly at Kouga and say, "I know."

"What do you mean by that?! Where did you get this?" Kouga asked frantically. He sniffed the ball again and gasped in shock, "No - it couldn't be!"

"What?" Naraku looked up curiously.

"You turned my woman into a RODENT?! And then TRAPPED her in this weird ball?!"

Naraku just blinked at him for a few long seconds. Then he started laughing uproariously, rolling on the ground and clutching his stomach.

"It's not funny!" Kouga cried. "How could you do such a thing?!" He began to rock the ball in his arms, trying to sooth the agitated gerbil within. "It's okay, Kagome. I'll find a way to fix this, then you can come with me and be my woman forever."

Naraku wiped tears of laughter from the corners of his eyes and choked out, "Ha ha! Y-you _do_ realize - hee hee! - that that's a _male_ fuzzy?"

"You turned her into a _boy_?! That's even worse!" Kouga exclaimed. He began scratching at the gerbil ball, trying to free 'his woman.'

Meanwhile, poor little Cuddles was quite upset. He had worn his poor little legs out that morning while looking for a nice, warm place with lots of yummy-scrumptious grass to nibble. When he finally found it, he had barely begun to eat when some nasty-smelling _creature_ picked him up and began shaking him about. Then things got worse. He had been dropped, knocked unconscious, blown across the bumpy ground, and now had _another_ sweaty, smelly critter sniffing at him. He had had quite enough.

Kouga finally succeeded in prying open the gerbil ball by sticking his claws in some of the air holes and tugging. He scooped Cuddles up in his hand and nuzzled him. Then he screeched.

"She _bit_ me!" He cried, and attempted to pry Cuddles off his nose, where the gerbil had sunk in his teeth like grappling hooks.

"Hey! Be nice to my fuzzy, you big meanie!" said Naraku, indignant. He swiped at Kouga and tried to grab Cuddles, but the wolf danced out of his reach.

"You can't have her! She's my woman! Owieeee! Let gooo, Kagome!"

"You stupid demon! He's not Kagome! He's _my_ fuzzy and I want him back! Now!" Naraku demanded, stomping his foot.

"You can't - ouch! - fool _me_ with your nasty tricks, Naraku! I'm too - ow! - smart for you!" 

Kouga finally succeeded in unhooking Cuddles' teeth. Clutching him to his chest, he dashed off, yelling, "Hang in there, Kagome! I'll find a cure for this spell yet!"

"Noo!" Naraku wailed, vainly trying to catch the wolf. He couldn't match Kouga's shard-enhanced speed, however, and had to settle for following his tracks. "Don't worry, little fuzzy! Mommy's coming! I'll save you!" he sniffled.

Poor Cuddles squeaked and struggled to escape. Kouga just tightened his grip and kept running.

Suddenly, Kouga paused.

'Wait a minute. That smells like…' He looked down at Cuddles curiously, then off to the side. A tiny breeze blew past him, carrying the scent of…

'It is! It smells like Kagome!' he thought. He turned and quickly dashed through some underbrush, stopping at the edge of a small, rough campsite.

"Kouga-kun!" Kagome cried, standing up. "What are you doing here?"

"Grrr…" Inuyasha growled, flexing his claws.

"K-Kagome…I thought…I mean, you…" Kouga stuttered, looking from her to the small, furry bundle in his hands.

"What?" Kagome cocked her head curiously. Then her eyes brightened and she clapped her hands as she noticed what Kouga was holding so protectively.

"Cuddles! You brought Cuddles back!" she snatched him out of Kouga's hands and began to coddle him. "You poor baby! Where did you go? I was so worried! Oh, _thank_ you for bringing him back to me, Kouga-kun!"

Kouga blushed and scratched his head nervously. "Er…um, no problem. Eh…I'll see you around, woman." And with that he turned and dashed away, thoroughly embarrassed at his mistake.

"What's up with that idiot?" Inuyasha grumped.

"Oh, be nice, Inuyasha! He brought back my widdle-biddy Cuddle-wuddles!" Kagome resumed playing with her pet, who was happily snuggled into her palms.

During this exchange, Naraku had followed Kouga's scent to Inuyasha's camp. He peered out from behind some bushes just downwind of the camp.

'Curses!' he thought. 'The wench has my fuzzy! Now I don't have anyone to play with anymore, and I'll have to return to being the evil villain of the story!' He sighed. 'All I ever wanted was someone to love!'

fin

^.~


End file.
